i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
