I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
