forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
