thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
