i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
