Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Randomize
