Just fell off a train. Bad.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
