Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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