A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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