Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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