Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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