Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
