So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
