Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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