That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
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I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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