Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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