I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
