Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
