he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
