I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
