GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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