help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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