I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
