there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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