Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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