half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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