Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
