I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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