guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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