Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
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They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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