When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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