I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
