i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
