Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
