So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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