Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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