my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
