The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
