im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
