Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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