Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
