You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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