well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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