Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
