oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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