there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
