It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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