I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
pray to the hookup gods
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
