I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
