it was like his penis was on wheels.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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