We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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