for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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