So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I fill condoms, not promises.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
