Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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