I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
