either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
