I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
