its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
